Excuse Me.

It has been the same since young. She always complain to him, and then we will get a sound scolding. It’s annoying how she always did this to us.

I know I am a burden to this family because of my ED. But I also hope that she can be more understandable. While I can choose to ignore, pretence is hard for ED.

… and I hate to say that I don’t trust her at all.

Like I said… I hate yet I love, the people I know I should treasure.

 

PS. HAH! Dad’s pocket now had a “bigger hole” ! (If you know what I meant)

Merry Merry Little Christmas!

Hello hello! It’s been awhile…

Now I am left with only a week more to school! My holiday is not even a little bit productive at all! I have been staring into the lappy since the start of my holiday. And I have not even started on my revision!!!

Well anyway, a couple of days ago, daddy had fufilled his promise to bring me to his friend’s, so now I had my hair pleasingly done. No more floppy hair!

Friday today, also a public holiday. Anyhow, I just came back not long ago from my grocery ‘loot’. It made a huge dent in daddy’s pocket… but I left a happy girl!  It was a big step for me as ED was hesitating all the time.

Yay! And I also share my joy with andrea sister too! She must be excited about it. Me knows why. Hehe.

ED- still spending ridiculous amount of time flipping over and checking the nutritional content. If it is high= not worth the calories= ED put it back. Why is it so hard for me to listen to what I really want for myself?

Like my psychologist said- it is either black or white- all or nothing. On the onset of my ED, I do not care whether the food is “pure” or not… as long as I have a good day of restriction…

And now!? 99% of it has to be.

I really DO NOT want to think about it, because I am just really exhausted. Do I sound like I want to give up. I don’t really know.

Nah, now my next appointment is still 2 months away.

AHH I need sound more positive!

MERRY MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!

I hope you enjoy your holiday!

Trashy Notes

Be happy, set yourself free.

~

Yesterday is gone but now it’s not yet over

for every moment you live,

you live in the present…

Through our dreams, we grow…

Dawn cracking, the sun rising

Only musics, flashing back memories

What sorrows? what agony?

What is left within, what is left of me?

No sound stories, not even maybe…

~

If it is not black, then it is white

There is no more in between…

The brain signals, the actions acts 

A replusion against me.

Anywhere but here, will she be happy?

Friday

Just another friday dwindling away… she’s deep in thoughts, fighting against her inner soul. Her desire to be different, all of it she does not show.

A cup of tea and music for her own musings

A jumble of emotions. Helpless.

^.^

^.^

Hellohello. I am back!

Yes! And so we did went shopping yesterday. We also came back with suprisingly good deals! Pre-x’mas pressie I think, as andrea sister had suggested splurging on something elses for me!

Anyway, my appointment with Dr Choo was being scheduled this morning which I was quite unprepared for since it was not planned by me!!! I was feeling insanely nervous for God knows what was on my mind…

Sheesh! All nonsensical stuff just spilled out from my mouth the moment questions was being bombard on me. And to be honest, I was mad at myself for not being able to shut up.

On another hand, I think I should not have brought it up. But well apparently, she thinks my face has sunken more than 10 months ago, which I completely disagree to as EDs’ percieved it. Oh well, I don’t know.

Next up… what fun would be in stored for me…?

Holidays!

Holidays from 15th to 4th Jan next year!

Well, other than indulging in some ‘me’ time… I will have to crack my brain for the upcoming 2 UTs. (3 down, 2 left) And I swear maths is a killer subject! AH! I must get myself to settle some revision!

 ALSO, andrea sister is taking this opportunity and planning her time off for me! Zoo? Rollerblading? Science Center? Shopping for X’mas present? Hehe… I have been hankering for a trip to zoo for ages, and ED is always the one backing out the last minute. Science Center YES please!!! I am a curious girl. Perhaps some shopping tomorrow?

Hmm, all the plans seems so feasible now. I just hope I would not forgo such fun for the sake of my stupid ED. I am so distant from the outside world, and being cooped at home all day is not nice afterall, because all I can think of is food and calories.

Now you know my fears! There it breaks down atomistically- carbs? fats? Yikes, let alone my obsessive complusive of checking and organizing things!

I don’t enjoy having long breaks. The idea of staying at home freaks the hell outta ED. But going out gives me anxiety. What would I do without school? If there is no test, then school would be alot more enjoyable. Seems like ED is making a big fuss out of everything! I just don’t know what I want.  

On a plus side, daddy promised to bring me to a good hairdo, and also more grocery grocery for school re-opening!

I think that is all for now.

Inner Voices

I am having a REALLY hard time with myself.

And the voices goes- my face is growing chubbier already, so I have to restrict. But I can’t find back my self-control, and I know I am looking better now… everywhere is my own mirror. I just want to die

 And I suspect I might be lying to myself that I need to be fed, I need to eat more.

-.-

-.-

I want to be truthful to how I am feeling, and what my mind is thinking. I want to be able to express everything here be it good or bad, harmful or helpful to another. I am NOT trying to be selfish!

And I think I might be addicted to peanut butter. I feel icky. I feel so fat. I feel out of control. I feel lost. I don’t know what I truly want to achieve…

ED. I just want to be thinthinthin. fuckwhateveriamthing. Full attacking. So fat about everything. Extremely disgusting.

Nobody cares anymore.

“Because of You”

‘Because of you’ by Kelly Clarkson. This song constantly reminds me of you. Those were the most memorable secondary school days ever worth remembering. And it really makes me wonder if it was because of you that I never learn to change.

(and now how my Ed makes me feel…?)

Whenever I’m alone, tears flow down my eyes.

Not because I’m emo, just miserable inside.

All the thoughts of fatness,

and all the pangs of guilt,

kept hovering my mind.

It says- I want to be skinny! I want to be skinny!

and I just don’t know why.

You live, and you love.

You live, or you die.

Such is life…